It’s a fact: new moms judge other moms about their parenting choices. I’ve been there, I know. I’m ashamed to admit, I even lost friends over it. Nearly 7 years later, I can finally understand it more objectively, but it still perplexes and angers me that educated, intelligent women are fighting over how they “should” care for their babies.
Why should you care if your friend co-sleeps and quit her day job to be a full-time, baby-wearing mom? And why should she judge you for sleep-training your baby, and going back to your full-time day job? Is it simply because we’re so insecure about our own choices? Are we so afraid of doing something "wrong" that we judge others because they believe a different method or theory or author? Can we blame baby theory “experts” for pitting moms against mom in these theoretical wars, or do we blame ourselves for falling prey to this bourgeois pettiness?
In Attachment Parenting or The Alternative, I write about how opposing parenting theories are confusing new parents more than ever. I would further argue that this trend is divisive amongst women. Megan Francis, author of The Happiest Mom, writes a humbling account about her struggle to find her own parenting style in a piece, On Labels and Limits: Why I No Longer Call Myself an Attachment Parent.
There’s a lot of buzz in the Mommy-sphere about how moms are divided and feuding over parenting choices. Leslie Morgan Steiner’s book, Mommy Wars: Stay at Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families is a perfect example. It's all shockingly true, and it fries my feminist feathers! Why on earth do women compete about how their kids sleep, or for how long they breastfeed? Sorry Ladies, but I grew up knee-deep in 70’s feminist ideals, and I just don’t get it. What happened to Sisterhood?
I’d love to hear from you about this. Have you lost any friends, or are you at risk of losing any friends over your parenting choices? Please share your experiences! And most importantly, WHAT CAN WE DO RIGHT NOW to make this a better, more supportive world for all moms?
As a new parent, you will do anything to shush your baby's tears. You feed and rock and bounce and pat and change your baby, in an effort to comfort and ensure that all of their precious little needs are met. But sometimes, in your rush to instantly stop the crying, you might miss the opportunity to learn your baby's cries, understand their different tones, and respond accordingly.
Around sleep, there's a lot of controversy about whether or not you should let your baby "cry it out" and help them learn to fall asleep independently, or cuddle, nurse and soothe your baby at every opportunity, round the clock. There's a lot of judgment about this, so as best as you can, try to ignore all the theories and opinions that don't work for you and your family. If you want to co-sleep and you're all sleeping well, who cares what your mother-in-law says?!? Alternately, if your 6 month-old baby is waking every hour, and you're becoming suicidal, you shouldn't rule out some form of sleep training because your best friend thinks it's bad.
Now I’m not saying that you should ignore your baby's cries. I’m just saying that crying is a normal and healthy behavior, and though it's excruciating to hear your baby cry, it’s really nothing to panic about. I cried like a baby the other day because I was tired and hormonal and frankly, I just needed to get it out!
Our cultural-adult tendencies are to squelch tears, but sometimes we just need to cry, and so do our kids, despite our attempts to stop them. My kids (4 and 6) still cry when they're hungry or tired, or need to pee but don't want to stop playing, or simply because I won't let them have candy for dinner. Eventually, as our babies grow into kids, we become accustomed to crying and realize that it's just part of parenting, and sometimes, our kids just need to get it out, just like we do!
I want to live in a world where parents don’t have to choose between career or family or self; a world in which all parents have meaningful, flexible work, and have ample time to simply be with their families without constantly rushing. I want to live in a world where parents feel fully supported by society and by their communities and by each other. Yes I know it sounds Utopian, but...
The truth is that we don’t live in this world unless we create it. We have to build community, make time for ourselves and demand flexibility from our jobs, or create businesses of our own so we can design our lives to work around our families. It’s challenging to live life the way we really want, but I truly believe we can do anything we set our minds to. So strive for happiness, work less, play more, put yourself on your priority list, and enjoy life as much as you possibly can!
Because really, how many of our kids will ever think, If only my parents had worked harder and made more money!?!
Parenting is really, really hard. I've got 2 kids, 2 years apart, and I'm still humbled daily by the endlessness of parenting. Nobody told me I would have these feelings, but I swear every mom feels them. Even if you don’t admit these things to yourself, guilt may be secretly wearing away at your very core, threatening to take you down. Here are Five Mom Taboos, with correlating Guilt-Liberation Tips.
1. We feel like failures at everything. Whether we work at home, outside the home, or we’re the primary caretaker, we feel like we’re never doing anything good enough. I know you’ve heard these voices in your head: I’m a terrible mom, a lousy wife, a bad friend and I’m so tired, I can’t even do my job!
Guilt-Liberation TIP: Resist multitasking, cultivate efficiency, and re-program those negative voices! You’re not a failure; you’re a mom, you’re doing your best, and that IS good enough. Pinky promise.
2. We let our kids watch more TV than we admit. I’ve finally stopped agonizing about this now that my kids are 4 and 6, but I am guilty of lying to friends about how much TV they watch, and I know the lies are reciprocal!
Guilt-Liberation TIP: Chances are, if you’re reading this, your kids have very well-rounded worlds and have a LOT of stimulation. Give yourself a break, and worry about something else!
3. We want to run away. OK, maybe it’s just me, but some days I seriously feel like I just can’t take it anymore. Last week I was feeling particularly cagey from caring for sick kids ALL WINTER, and I thought, if I hear Mommy! one more time, I’m going to die, or leave, or both!
Guilt-Liberation TIP: Thinking about leaving and doing it are different. If your kids are driving you nuts, go away with a girlfriend for a day or a week, so when you come back you, want really want to be there! (I go away with a girlfriend for a week every year and it’s amazing, try it sometime!)
4. We have violent feelings sometimes. Yes, it’s true. We all have them. It’s those moments when your inconsolable baby is screaming at 3am, or your toddler is having a tantrum and hitting you.
Guilt-Liberation TIP: Relax, it’s normal. Yes, you might lose your cool with your kids, and feel TERRIBLE when you do (been there!), but beating yourself up about something you merely thought is a waste of energy.
5. We’re not interested in sex. After childbirth (or c-section), 24/7 hour breastfeeding, between the full time day-job or childcare-job (SO much harder); between laundry, groceries, poops and puke, I’m sorry man, sex isn’t on the priority list!
Guilt-Liberation TIP: You don’t have to pretend to be interested, just throw him a bone every now and again. Or trade for a massage if necessary. It will help your marriage, I promise!
In our race to build careers, create financial security, and amass material things for our families, many of us have forgotten to strive for happiness. Often we’re so off-track, we don’t even know if we’re happy or not. Busy planning for our futures, we don’t stop to think about how our happiness—or lack thereof—affects our kids. Or maybe we think of it, then push it way down out of our consciousness, because there are more important things to do.
The things is, kids don’t care about money or the size of your home or the brand of your car. They just want unconditional love, undivided attention, and happy parents.
Ask yourself if there’s one thing you can do right now to be a happier person. Not a better parent, or a harder worker or a bigger bread winner, just happier.
Maybe you used to play the guitar but put it aside? Maybe you were a dancer but hung up your dancing shoes when you became a parent; or maybe you know (like me), that if you committed to two yoga classes a week, you would be a completely changed and happier person?
If we prioritize our own happiness, we have a better chance of actually being happy, and passing it onto our kids!
Some people ask me if I believe in any particular parenting theory, and the answer is no, I don’t. I don’t subscribe to one parenting theory in the same way I don’t subscribe to any one religion. Yes I read Buddhist philosophy and I meditate, but that by no means makes me a Buddhist.
One of my favorite Buddhist quotes is: “Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.” Of course this is loosely translated from Sanskrit, but I love the sentiment and apply it to my life daily.
Like religion, many new parents are looking for a book or theory that will give them all the answers. The problem with following one theory or one religion, is in the consequences. For example, some parenting theories (and religions) argue that if you don’t follow their principles, you will create an emotionally damaged child (or go to Hell). Sorry folks, but this doesn’t agree with my common sense or reason!
When I speak with confused new families, I suggest they try to forget everything they’ve read and everything they’ve heard and everything they think they SHOULD do, and then simply look carefully at their babies and at each other and in their own hearts.
The answers are not in a book or a theory or in anything you can buy. So go and throw out all your parenting books and listen to your own reason and common sense!
The first time I rode a horse as an adult was with my husband in Prospect Park, shortly after we met. My horse was jumpy, and I was worried I was going to get thrown. My husband, a native Texan and super-calm guy, told me to hold firmly on the reins and take control; otherwise the horse would sense my fear and be nervous. Sure enough, I did what he said, and instantly the horse and I relaxed.
As new parents, we're fearful and under-confident. It takes a while for us to not be scared, and simply get to know our babies. Over time we build confidence and come to really know our children; what makes them laugh or feel secure.
Of course when we have newborns, we respond to them round the clock and there's a lot of guess-work about what they need because they can't talk. There is no routine or structure for weeks or months, (or years), and it's fine for some families indefinitely. But at some point, we can decide to take charge and hold the reins. Our own fears may prevent us from holding firmly, but even if they protest, our kids want us to be in charge, because it makes them feel secure.
My kids (4 and 6) still cry when they're tired or hungry or don't get what they want, but they know we're holding the reins firmly at bedtime, and when we don't let them have candy for dinner.
The question is, at what point do you take the reins?
Brand managers and marketers recreate brand image by renaming products, especially if their products receive unfavorable press. Sometimes companies reinvent themselves completely by simply changing their names. So, I’m thinking it’s time to re-brand Sleep Training.
Seriously, think of Sleep Training as a brand. What do you associate with that brand? Do you have any favorable associations with their products? Let’s face it, sleep training has had some bad press, especially from Attachment Parenting enthusiasts. Critics argue that sleep training is cruel, and bleary-eyed parents won’t even consider it because of the negative press. They hear about Sleep Training’s “Cry-it-Out” (aka CIO) method and often plug their ears. How could parents leave their babies to cry, alone in their cribs, because it is more convenient for them? Why would they buy those products? I agree, it sounds terribly cruel!
But what if we re-brand Sleep Training and call it something like Sleep Soothing or ???
We sleep trained both of our babies at about 6 months. Yes, it was hard and yes, there were tears (mostly mine), but it only took 3-4 days each, our babies were constantly assured we were there, and I guarantee there would have been more tears had we not done it. Ultimately our babies learned, through a process of soothing and cooing and shushing and reassuring, that falling asleep and waking up in the night is normal, and nothing to be scared of!!
If you teach your baby how to sleep, then s/he won’t be scared when they wake up and you’re not nursing or rocking or bouncing them. They’ll simply know that it’s normal, and roll over and go back to sleep, just like you do.
We’ve probably all heard the flight attendant speech many times. You know, the speech that tells us to put our oxygen mask on first, before our child/ren? Yep, that one. I often think this particular part of the speech is an ironic metaphor for parenting.
As parents, though we know we should care for ourselves first, often we don’t. It feels counter-intuitive, selfish, wrong. If you and your baby are hungry, you should feed your baby first, right? Well, yes and no. I would argue that we simply be more strategic, and feed ourselves before our kids are hungry. We can even take that concept and apply it to other areas of our lives so we nourish ourselves before anything else, thereby having more energy and love to give. If we consistently put our children first, eventually we feel depleted, exhausted, starving on multiple levels, until we have nothing left to give!
Whether you work outside the home, run your own business, or you’re the primary caregiver, you MUST put your oxygen mask on first. Make time to schedule YOURSELF into your busy life. We all have plenty of excuses for why we can’t, or don’t have time, but think about what you REALLY WANT for your family. What kind of example do you want to set for your kids? What do you want to teach them about self-care? Conversely, what are they currently learning from you about self-care, and are you comfortable with that? Is there anything you’d like to change? Try to think of ONE THING you can do right now to take better care of yourself, and go do it. Take the oxygen mask…and breathe.
Increasingly, I’m hearing from more and more parents who aren’t sleeping. At all. Or if they’re sleeping, it’s a crazy musical bed situation where parents are hopping from bed to bed to couch, in a futile effort to get more sleep. Dads get displaced. Moms are chronically exhausted because they take on the night-time sleep battles. Kids are increasingly more cranky and tantrum-prone because they’re overtired, and marriages are suffering – if not totally falling apart – all because of SLEEP!
Does this sound familiar? Are you happy with the status quo? If not, make a change. Now. Get help if you need help, and be consistent.
Regardless of your parenting values, sleep is not optional. You cannot live without sleep, any more than you can live without food or water!
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