What if you can't breastfeed?

09/01/2010

I suspect that everyone reading this already knows that breastfeeding is best for babies; that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends breast milk exclusively for the first six months. No disrespect to La Leche League and other organizations who work to raise awareness about the benefits of breast milk, but enough already! I think we got the point. The pressure to exclusively breastfeed our babies has become so strong, that women who CAN’T breastfeed are shamed into a horrific amount of guilt if they’re unable to nurse their babies. There are hundreds of thousands of new moms worldwide who aren’t able to breastfeed for one reason or another. Adoptive moms. Surrogate moms. Moms who've had medical complications. And then there are regular new moms like me. I personally found breastfeeding so stressful and painful that I struggled with milk supply, and went through ridiculous hurdles including nighttime pumping, gallons of tea, and daily calls to a lactation consultant, to avoid any formula at all. Looking back, I feel silly for being so stressed about it, and realize the stress was likely the biggest problem, but I didn’t know any better. The lactation consultants all wanted to keep me breastfeeding. I seemed to be the only one in my new moms and breastfeeding support groups who was struggling with anything (everyone else looked so perky and happy!), and I didn’t have any veteran mom friends to give me permission to give my baby a bottle of formula so I could loosen up a bit! Instead, I pumped every two hours, often through the night, and made a ritual of calling my lactation consultant daily at 9am, as well as making a pot of special tea that I would then chill and drink throughout the day. And this was all just to keep my milk supply up.

A dear friend of mine, after thorough planning for a natural childbirth with a midwife, ended up with an emergency C-section, followed by an infection to the incision, followed by IV antibiotics for the infection, then mastitis, followed by more antibiotics, etc. The result was a crippling case of postpartum depression (PPD) and an inability to produce enough breast milk to feed her baby. Her depression was so bad, that her mom had to come care for her and the baby for six months. On her first excursion out of the house, she actually got scolded by another mom at the food co-op for feeding her baby a bottle of organic soy formula. The woman smugly said over her sling, "Breast milk really IS better for your baby." Can you imagine? The self-righteousness is shocking, but I truly believe this kind of behavior, and the cultural pressure to exclusively breastfeed, is a significant contributing factor to the high levels of PPD in the U.S. So please ladies, give new moms (and yourselves) a break! A bottle of formula every now and then is not going to kill your baby. Why not have a glass of wine with some other new moms once a week, and leave bottles at home with the dads?!? Let them bond, while you loosen up with the girls. That seems far more healthy to me...

Comments

Melanie W.

09/21/2010 11:42pm

I couldn't agree with you more. I pumped exclusively for 8 months because I was so swollen the first few weeks that I wasn't able to breastfeed right away due to poor circulation. After a week of following the lactation consultants advice, we decided her suggestions of finger feeding etc... was just taking away what was suppose to be so natural so we stopped that as well. Once the swelling went down, I just give up trying to breastfeed and decided to just pump all her milk and put it in a bottle.
I still got comments from people that my daughter was missing out in the bonding with me or I would get indirect comments or looks with the implication that since the breastmilk was in the bottle it isn't really breastmilk. It was like I was not as good as as the moms who could give breastmilk directly; despite the fact my daughter was given breastmilk exclusively for 8 months.
There was an article in Time magazine a few months ago about mothers who simply just choose to pump exclusively. They want to give their child the benefits of breastmilk but choose not to give it directly from the breast.
Mothers are simply just trying to find their way and too much pressure is put on them to be a certain way.

Diana

09/23/2010 9:15am

I have 5 healthy smart children that weren't breastfed. I had 5 in 6 years. My oldest is now 16. I would never have traded that for the bond my husband created with his children. Feeding is a bonding moment no matter what or how it is done. We still bond over meals. I feel that bottle or breast is a personal choice and no one needs to disclose their reasons for their choice. It is their children and new moms will need to learn to mind their own business. This skill is very important as your children grow and their issues in life become more complex. Like dealing with friends who curse and steal and do drugs. You can't raise everyone's kids or teach everyone good parenting skills, which is more important than what you feed your baby. Only advice I give friends who are new mothers is trust your own instincts. Your mental health in crucial to being a good mother, wife and friend.

Natalie Nevares link

09/29/2010 8:39pm

Thanks Diana. Great comment, and thanks for reminding me about the father's role in feeding. That is something that often gets swept under the rug with the pressure to exclusively breastfeed newborns. Dads get the short end of the stick if moms are the only ones doing the feedings. Personally, I loved watching my husband give bottles to our babies. It was so sweet, watching them bond in the early days and I highly recommend that all moms encourage their partners/husbands to participate in the feedings! Not only will it be invaluable to their bonding, but it will give mama a break! I used to pump before bedtime, and leave a bottle for my husband to feed at around midnight. I would head to bed around 9-10pm, knowing I would have to wake at 3-4am, but 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep with a newborn is great! Go dads go!

Julie link

01/19/2012 11:31am

Thanks for this post! I'm totally going through the same struggle now. Been trying everything to boost my milk supply and feeling so guilty and inadequate when I have to give formula to my baby.
It's become such a stress on myself and my husband. I'm sure my baby is feeling my anxiety too.
Thanks for reminding me to loosen up.
It's great that the public is realizing that breastfeeding is healthier than formula, but it shouldn't be looked down on if you choose not to breastfeed.
There are numerous reasons why it just doesn't work for some mothers.

Natalie Nevares link

01/19/2012 1:15pm

Thanks for your comments, Julie and I'm so pleased to hear this helps you feel more relaxed about breastfeeding. It's so much harder than anyone told me. I wish someone would have given me this advice when I was literally on the phone with my lactation consultant daily, pumping every 2 hours, and believed that despite the fact that my nipples were bleeding, my anxiety was decreasing my milk supply, that I had to exclusively breastfeed regardless of my well-being, for a minimum of 6 months. In retrospect, I now understand how insane that was, and hope you are able to overcome your challenges!

Nicole link

01/19/2012 3:18pm

I wasn't able to BF. I had a breast reduction that ruined my milk ducts. I had next to nothing coming out. I still struggle with the bad vibes I got from others, but she is healthy, smart, and strong little girl. The next one will start with the bottle from the word go. I suffered from PPD for 4 years. I don't need the extra stress.

Lindsey link

01/19/2012 3:27pm

I got a lot of grief from people about feeding my oldest formula. The problem? HE wouldn't breast feed. He never did learn to latch. I tried everything but he just screamed and was as frustrated as I was. I breastfed my youngest for 6 months. I had to have surgery and while I was on pain medication, pumping didn't keep up my supply. It just wouldn't come back. While breast milk is the best thing for your baby health wise, life doesn't always work out that way.

Lisa from Bottle Babies link

01/19/2012 4:33pm

Thanks for saying this! I believe my PPD was caused by feelings of failure when breastfeeding didn't work with my first. I did EVERYTHING to make it work and instead of connecting, bonding and enjoying my newborn, I spent most of my time with a pump in tears. I didn't know that I was physically unable to breastfeed for medical reasons until my second. By the time my 3rd came it was so lovely to give breastfeeding a go, supplement and enjoy her, no pressure, just doing what was best for us in our own personal circumstances - which was not exclusive breast! Breast is NOT always best, what is best is what is best for you and your family in your own circumstances and medical history.

I started a support group on facebook nearly 2 years ago for parents who do not exclusively breastfeed. We now have over 1000 lovely, understanding, non-judgmental members made up of parents who use all different methods to feed their babies. If their is ever anyone here that needs alittle support or would like to show their support, please feel free to drop by :)

https://www.facebook.com/bottlebabies

Laurel

06/04/2012 9:37pm

I am only 18 and already stressed about the fact that for medical reasons, I will never breastfeed my children. In fact, I plan to adopt at least one of my children because I have an intense and irrational fear of pregnancy and childbirth, which one day I may overcome. But I agree - a decade in advance I am already swamped with guilt and worry because 'breast milk is the best milk' and I cannot produce or procure any. :(

Jasmine

10/21/2012 1:01pm

Both of my wonderful and smart teens both were bottle fed with the mix of breast and formula. Why? They both were premature. I could not bond with them right away. They were tube feed for a month.
My little sister just had her baby and stressing about breastfeeding..

My main concern did she just give up or a medical reason(s).. Then I remember she in her teens had both of her nipples pieced (both ways)and remembering telling her that she may not be able to breastfeed if they did it wrong.. Add to her blood pressure was way too high. She just could not. I just wanted her to try and see if it works..
Now they have bottles that more like the natural boob. http://www.tommeetippee.us/ So that way no other moms can say anything.. I am enjoying being on the other side of the feedings. Not missing the every two hours feedings.. even with my two.. it was like that for two months after the hospital.
New moms.. please relax.. The baby can feel every emotions.. in the womb and beyond.. Even my teens still can pick up on my moods. Bonding is a everyday thing throughout the child life. I still cuddle with my teens, because they want to.

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