If you're a parent, you probably have strong opinions about how babies and/or toddlers should sleep. You may even feel hostile about what other parents do to get their babies to sleep, if you think it's wrong. I wish I had shot this myself because it shows how judgmental and downright nasty some moms can be about sleep.
My strong opinion is that all of this is bulls#it, and there is no "right" or "wrong" way for families to sleep. As long as you and your kids are sleeping, there's no problem. But if your family is chronically sleep-deprived, maybe you can consider this:
Can you give yourself permission to unlearn everything you've heard or read about sleep, and focus on what you really want? Not what you or anyone else thinks you should or shouldn't do, but what YOU truly want for your family.
Can you turn off all the voices in your head, and allow yourself to change something that isn't working, even if you think it might be "wrong"?
Whatever you believe, try to keep your opinions about what other families do to yourself, and focus on what's right for your family. You will have more friends, and can feel smug that you've chosen the higher road!
As a new parent, you will do anything to shush your baby's tears. You feed and rock and bounce and pat and change your baby, in an effort to comfort and ensure that all of their precious little needs are met. But sometimes, in your rush to instantly stop the crying, you might miss the opportunity to learn your baby's cries, understand their different tones, and respond accordingly.
Around sleep, there's a lot of controversy about whether or not you should let your baby "cry it out" and help them learn to fall asleep independently, or cuddle, nurse and soothe your baby at every opportunity, round the clock. There's a lot of judgment about this, so as best as you can, try to ignore all the theories and opinions that don't work for you and your family. If you want to co-sleep and you're all sleeping well, who cares what your mother-in-law says?!? Alternately, if your 6 month-old baby is waking every hour, and you're becoming suicidal, you shouldn't rule out some form of sleep training because your best friend thinks it's bad.
Now I’m not saying that you should ignore your baby's cries. I’m just saying that crying is a normal and healthy behavior, and though it's excruciating to hear your baby cry, it’s really nothing to panic about. I cried like a baby the other day because I was tired and hormonal and frankly, I just needed to get it out!
Our cultural-adult tendencies are to squelch tears, but sometimes we just need to cry, and so do our kids, despite our attempts to stop them. My kids (4 and 6) still cry when they're hungry or tired, or need to pee but don't want to stop playing, or simply because I won't let them have candy for dinner. Eventually, as our babies grow into kids, we become accustomed to crying and realize that it's just part of parenting, and sometimes, our kids just need to get it out, just like we do!
The first time I rode a horse as an adult was with my husband in Prospect Park, shortly after we met. My horse was jumpy, and I was worried I was going to get thrown. My husband, a native Texan and super-calm guy, told me to hold firmly on the reins and take control; otherwise the horse would sense my fear and be nervous. Sure enough, I did what he said, and instantly the horse and I relaxed.
As new parents, we're fearful and under-confident. It takes a while for us to not be scared, and simply get to know our babies. Over time we build confidence and come to really know our children; what makes them laugh or feel secure.
Of course when we have newborns, we respond to them round the clock and there's a lot of guess-work about what they need because they can't talk. There is no routine or structure for weeks or months, (or years), and it's fine for some families indefinitely. But at some point, we can decide to take charge and hold the reins. Our own fears may prevent us from holding firmly, but even if they protest, our kids want us to be in charge, because it makes them feel secure.
My kids (4 and 6) still cry when they're tired or hungry or don't get what they want, but they know we're holding the reins firmly at bedtime, and when we don't let them have candy for dinner.
The question is, at what point do you take the reins?
Brand managers and marketers recreate brand image by renaming products, especially if their products receive unfavorable press. Sometimes companies reinvent themselves completely by simply changing their names. So, I’m thinking it’s time to re-brand Sleep Training.
Seriously, think of Sleep Training as a brand. What do you associate with that brand? Do you have any favorable associations with their products? Let’s face it, sleep training has had some bad press, especially from Attachment Parenting enthusiasts. Critics argue that sleep training is cruel, and bleary-eyed parents won’t even consider it because of the negative press. They hear about Sleep Training’s “Cry-it-Out” (aka CIO) method and often plug their ears. How could parents leave their babies to cry, alone in their cribs, because it is more convenient for them? Why would they buy those products? I agree, it sounds terribly cruel!
But what if we re-brand Sleep Training and call it something like Sleep Soothing or ???
We sleep trained both of our babies at about 6 months. Yes, it was hard and yes, there were tears (mostly mine), but it only took 3-4 days each, our babies were constantly assured we were there, and I guarantee there would have been more tears had we not done it. Ultimately our babies learned, through a process of soothing and cooing and shushing and reassuring, that falling asleep and waking up in the night is normal, and nothing to be scared of!!
If you teach your baby how to sleep, then s/he won’t be scared when they wake up and you’re not nursing or rocking or bouncing them. They’ll simply know that it’s normal, and roll over and go back to sleep, just like you do.
Increasingly, I’m hearing from more and more parents who aren’t sleeping. At all. Or if they’re sleeping, it’s a crazy musical bed situation where parents are hopping from bed to bed to couch, in a futile effort to get more sleep. Dads get displaced. Moms are chronically exhausted because they take on the night-time sleep battles. Kids are increasingly more cranky and tantrum-prone because they’re overtired, and marriages are suffering – if not totally falling apart – all because of SLEEP!
Does this sound familiar? Are you happy with the status quo? If not, make a change. Now. Get help if you need help, and be consistent.
Regardless of your parenting values, sleep is not optional. You cannot live without sleep, any more than you can live without food or water!
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