Yesterday, I spoke with a new mom who’s having a rough time. She’s at home with her 7 month old, breastfeeding, doing all the childcare, night parenting, and guilt-ridden for not feeling very happy. Naturally, she loves her son, grateful for the opportunity to be with him, but she feels trapped, lonely, and like every other mom is having more fun. Sometimes it’s so bad she gets into the shower at the end of the day and just cries. She’s crippled by sleep-deprivation, her husband works 12 hours a day, and doesn’t get how awful she feels. He gets to go to work, which is by far the easier job.
Sound familiar?
A few years ago, when my kids were 2 and 4, I ran into an old friend who I hadn’t seen in 10 years. He was divorced with no kids, and was so genuinely excited to hear all about my family. “Wow, you’re a Mom,” he said. “That’s amazing! What’s it like?”
My response was a shock, like a bucket of ice water thrown at my face. “I don’t like it at all,” I said, with far too much honesty.
His face fell. His jaw dropped. And I instantly knew I had made a terrible mistake. Moms aren’t allowed to feel this way, certainly not allowed to say it out loud.
I began dog-paddled backwards,“Of course I love my kids, and I wouldn’t change a thing, but…Diapers? Mopping up vomit? Bleeding nipples and breast pumps? Being awakened repeatedly through the night and at 5-6am daily for four consecutive years?”
No, the truth is that I like nothing about the actual job, yet I love my kids more than anything else in the world. So I do it anyway, even if I hate it sometimes.
If you’ve ever felt this way, I urge you to be honest with other moms. Write about it. Go on camera and tell the truth. Perhaps if we didn’t expect that mothering would be the most joyous time of our lives, we wouldn’t feel so blindsided and guilt-ridden.
 Dear Mel,I wish someone had told me that motherhood isn't always the most joyous, beautiful, glamorous event that the media portrays. I wish someone had prepared me for the fact that it might be the most humbling, emotional experience of my life, and that I might not actually love my new role as a Mommy.
Instead, I was blindsided by trauma, plagued with incessant fears and anxieties that I was abnormal, that every other new mom was happier than I felt, and that I was therefore, an exceptionally bad, inept mom. In retrospect, I now know that there's a conspiracy to trick billions of smart, independent and progressive women into believing that motherhood is fabulous, the penultimate joy, and that we can successfully juggle our careers, parenthood and mariages, all with a cheery smile.
The truth is, some new moms don't instantly bond with their babies, many of us have extreme difficulty breastfeeding (a learned behavior that we cannot possibly learn when it's not visible for us to learn!), and more women experience crippling postpartum mental health issues than is accurately reported. I believe that this is due to unrealistic expectations, and the lack of awareness about how hard and humbling motherhood really is.
So today, as you recover from a c-section and prepare for going home with Walker, who you and Hudson will love like you've never loved before, I wonder...Should I break it down and tell you the truth, or let you find out on your own how emotional and painful this transition may be? Because I wish someone had told me, I am dedicating this post to you and Hudson, as you embark on this remarkably profound journey. May it be peaceful, uneventful, and easier than my experience.Love,Natalie
I want to live in a world where parents don’t have to choose between career or family or self; a world in which all parents have meaningful, flexible work, and have ample time to simply be with their families without constantly rushing. I want to live in a world where parents feel fully supported by society and by their communities and by each other. Yes I know it sounds Utopian, but...
The truth is that we don’t live in this world unless we create it. We have to build community, make time for ourselves and demand flexibility from our jobs, or create businesses of our own so we can design our lives to work around our families. It’s challenging to live life the way we really want, but I truly believe we can do anything we set our minds to. So strive for happiness, work less, play more, put yourself on your priority list, and enjoy life as much as you possibly can!
Because really, how many of our kids will ever think, If only my parents had worked harder and made more money!?!
Some of us are simply petrified of natural childbirth, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of! An epidural can be a great thing. (Yes, I had epidurals for both of my births.) However, know that if you go that route, you can’t do all the stuff you’re able to do in a natural birth – things like walking around, laboring in a birthing tub, being free from constant fetal monitoring and an IV, etc. I didn’t understand that completely until I was in labor and learned that all the medical things like the IV and the fetal monitor and lying on my back, were all non-negotiable due to the epidural. Somehow I thought I would be able to convince the hospital staff to let me skip the IV and the fetal monitor and that I would win because I usually get what I want. Yeah, right!
If you choose an epidural, here are my Top Five Tips:
1. Labor at home for as long as possible. Take a bath, rest, breathe, and go to the hospital when your contractions are coming regularly, about 3 minutes apart.
2. Have an advocate (partner, doula, mom) with you at all times, to help you discuss any suggested medications and/or interventions.
3. Ask for medication before you need it – it may take over an hour for the anesthesiologist to show up. (You can also request pain or anti-anxiety meds as soon as you’re admitted.)
4. Be nice to the nurses. You may be stuck with them until the shift change (7am and 7pm), and you want them on your side!
5. Try to time the epidural right. You don’t want it too early (it may wear off while you’re pushing), and you don’t want it too late (you may miss your opportunity). Discuss with your birthing team to determine the ideal timing for you.
Remember this is your body, your baby, and the choices are yours. Though you may not always get what you want, don’t be afraid to speak up!
By this I mean do you want an epidural or not? It's an increasingly complex question. The majority of the pregnant women I meet today want to try for a natural delivery, with the option of an epidural standing by, just in case. But the question for women in NYC is a lot more complicated. The question is really: Do you want a hospital or a home birth? At opposite extremes and with limited middle-of-the-road options, most of us will lean very strongly in one direction or another.A home birth was out of the question for me, because it just sounded waaaayyyy too scary; so scary I wouldn't even read about it! But now, when I speak with midwives who deliver babies safely at home every day, and hear countless beautiful home birth stories from women who've successfully delivered healthy babies at home, it makes me wonder if perhaps I should have considered it? Certainly knowing what I do now, I would, but I would still be scared. If you're on the fence about a hospital or home birth, check out Ricki Lake's film, "The Business of Being Born" below. It will open your eyes to the possibilities that, like me, you may never have considered....
I recently spoke with a woman who was 31 weeks pregnant with her second baby. Although she had no complications with her first delivery and delivered a nearly 10 lb baby naturally, her ObGyn is concerned about another big baby and keeps mentioning that she should schedule an induction a week before her due date. This mom wants to deliver naturally and has no interest in an induction, but she's afraid to speak up to her ObGyn. She is nervous that her ObGyn will drop her as a patient, or that he will force her to be induced. Now, this may sound silly, but it's a very real fear and it's too common, especially in NYC. Why not state your birthing preferences? Why are we afraid of medical practitioners? Whether you want to deliver naturally, have a scheduled c-section or an epidural, it's your body, your baby, and your preferences should be honored, period. Things may not go as you planned in childbirth, but if you don't discuss your plan with your birthing team, you will never know if they're agreeable or not. If you're not comfortable enough to speak honestly with your practitioners, or if they are not willing to honor your birthing preferences, perhaps you should find a new practice.
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