If you're reading this, you may be feeling hopeless that you'll never sleep again. I'm sorry. I know. It sucks. It really, really sucks in the not funny, losing-your-mind kind of way. But good news: there is hope.
Even if you've tried everything, even if you've read every book and tried every sleep training method under the sun, there is hope. Though all the branded sleep-training strategists will try to convince you that their system is best, there is no right or wrong way to teach your baby to sleep. You are the expert -- all you need is permission to throw the books away, and believe that you're in charge. If you haven't seen what happens to parents who read every baby sleep expert book, in a nutshell, here's the (hilarious) story.
Though I'm adamantly against all of these branded baby sleep books, with their confoundingly complex sleep-training methods and systems (which lead nearly every desperately sleep-deprived family to repeated failure), I reluctantly wrote my own new e-book.The title, "Three Vital Steps To Help Your Baby Sleep", cracks me up because it's really the antithesis to everything else you will read and very different than a simple 3 step cure. I just wanted people to read it (therefore the annoyingly catchy title). Though it actually DOES include 3 Vital Steps, they're not what you think. It's all part of my evil plan to actually provide something useful that won't make families feel like crap, but actually help them sleep. I'm reserving some free copies for my community, so send me an email to natalie@mommywise.com with E-BOOK in the subject bar, and I'll send you a copy - my gift!
Meanwhile, I give you permission to burn all your other books. Henceforth, you will have no need for them. :)
 One day, shortly after my son was born, my 2 ½ year-old-daughter asked me to smile, and launched into a heartbreaking Vaudevillian song and dance to get me to laugh. She literally asked me to be happy, which of course made me cry. And then she repeated the same thing daily for weeks. It was my first clue that something was seriously wrong. What did my daughter see? How could she tell that I wasn’t happy?
I didn’t know I was clinically depressed, I just thought I was sleep-deprived, and if I could only get some sleep, I would feel better. I was able to get out of bed and go to the office every day, and I was sort of able to function, but it got increasingly worse. I became a chronic insomniac. I became dependent on sleeping aids. My fuse got shorter and shorter. I slept an average of 8-10 hours per week, in 15-45 minute midnight naps, regardless of how many sleep remedies I took. I was brain-dead at work, a mess when I came home, and pretty much an empty shell of a woman.
It was a long, hard, lonely road to get out of this mess, but I did it. I got help. I accepted support. My husband didn’t leave me. I took medication with shame, and it worked. Some days I forced myself to go jogging in the rain, sobbing. Other days, I gave myself permission to take time out of my workday to get acupuncture. Eventually, I started sleeping and functioning. Then I started to smile, and found myself laughing and playing with my kids. It took a few years to fully climb out of this hole, but through small, consistent and persistent actions, I did it. I quit my job. I lost 30 pounds. I devoted my life to serving families in crisis. I’m now living life on my terms, working my own hours and more able to enjoy quality time with my family. Though it’s not perfect, and I’m still a chronic insomniac (!!), I can now say with confidence, that I have arrived at my destination. I am happy, and my whole family feels it.
But here’s the main takeaway I’d like to share: Whether you’re clinically depressed, depleted by sleep-deprivation, or simply not content with something in your life, you can change. Don’t wait as long as I did. Get support if you need it. Your kids want you to be happy, and so do you.
Next week, I'll be on a plane to Mexico, and all of this air travel has me thinking about this video.
Think of the Oxygen Mask speech you hear every time you board an airplane. It may seem counterintuitive to take care of yourself first before your baby or toddler, but in this video, I share tips for little ways you can take care of yourself, so that you can nurture both you and your baby without falling into the mom-default mode of total depletion.
Check it out below, and take good care of yourself!
In this video, I share some of my tips for parents of babies and toddlers about sleep -- and how to get more of it. (Newsflash: It's probably not what you think!)
I'm leaving my family to spend a week on the beach with a girlfriend. No kids, no interruptions, no cooking, care-taking, whining or guilt. You may not be ready or able to take a real retreat like this, but it's up to you to find a way to get out, so you can come home a happier, healthier, more rested person. Check out my best-kept escape secrets below, then schedule something for yourself today!
 Real question from a real mom: "Will it ever get easier traveling with a baby and a toddler?" Me: "Yes, in about 4 years."
I wish I were kidding, but it's true. Before kids, I swore I would schlep my kids with me to exotic places like India, South Africa and Scotland. But then I learned the harsh, ugly truth. One trip to Seattle with a baby and a toddler waking at 3am cured me forever. And we're much happier now vacationing in big tacky all-inclusive Caribbean resorts where we can "Dump & Run" at the Kids' Club...So if you’re traveling with wee ones during the holidays, be prepared for sleep regressions and to need a vacation when you come home. Yes, it really will suck, but here are my Top 3 Tips to make it feel less painful:- Go with the flow. Your sleep schedule will get messed up when you travel. If you let your baby nap on the fly, you will have more fun.
- Stress less; sleep more. Drink extra wine, give yourself permission to co-sleep, take turns on the couch (with earplugs!), and deal with sleep regressions when you get home.
- Accept support. Allow well-meaning family and friends to help, and give them jobs! Whether you need a nap, a date or a shoulder rub - delegate, accept, and ye shall receive.
 You both have jobs, but only one of you gets paid. There’s a common myth that the Bread Winner has a harder job, but it's just not true. I’ve been on both sides of this fence, and I guarantee that childfree office work is a trillion times easier. I was shocked when my former boss tap-danced into the office on Mondays, openly giddy to be free of diapers and tantrums. I get it now. The harsh truth is that parenting is the hardest job you will ever have.
I don’t care if you're a banker or lawyer or candlestick maker, you Bread Winners get to leave, you get a break, you can pee whenever you want, your work has material value, and you don't feel like a loser when you can’t manage a shower or finish folding massive mounds of laundry.
So the next time you wonder why your spouse is so stressed when you come home from your relaxing office job, think twice before you ask why. Instead, I dare you to swap jobs for a week and see how it feels to be needed 24/7, to have your work focused exclusively on naps, puke and poops. You will learn a lot, and your marriage will benefit, because you will finally understand what it feels like to walk in your partner’s shoes.
 You lovingly rocked and shushed and soothed your newborn, and have likely enjoyed many peaceful moments while she slept in your arms. You learned to ever so gently to lay her down, and it worked – for a while. Then sometime between 4-7 months, you find that you can’t get her to fall asleep so easily, and your previously peaceful sleep routine turns into a 45-90 minute ordeal. Suddenly, no amount of nursing, rocking, bouncing and shushing works, and no matter what you try, she wakes up screaming the minute you put her down. Repeat 8-12 times, night and day, and you end up feeling like you’re in a bottomless pit with no way out. I've been there, I know.
First of all, you haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve been helping your baby sleep, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. But if it stops working and you find that your entire life revolves around trying to get your baby to sleep, then maybe something needs to change.
I’d like to invite you to think about how your baby sleeps, and be honest with yourself. Do you really think you’re helping her sleep with all the bouncing and shushing and nursing and rocking? Is it helpful to go in and out of the room, pick her up and put her down, over and over again, while she’s trying to fall asleep?
If any of this resonates with you, maybe you can give yourself permission to simply DO LESS. I’m not saying you should send her off to boarding school at 5 months old, but can you simply pull back a little bit, and empower her to feel 100% secure and safe falling asleep without all your help?
 You're a new parent, and you're trying to roll with all the constant changes. One day you think you have it all under control, the next you feel like you've totally lost it. You can barely get out of the house and shower daily, and the sleep deprivation is playing tricks on you. This is unfortunately one of the hardest parts of your journey, and an impossible problem to solve. The only way to really cope with all the changes is to embrace it, and know that every time you get into a good groove, something else will change. If you’re emotionally prepared, it might feel a teensy bit easier, but not much.
If you like predictability and routine (like me), you will spend much of your time trying to organize and control everything. That’s fine if it makes you feel better (it does for me), but one thing that will NOT change for the foreseeable future is that you no longer have control over most aspects of your daily life. You will try your best to be the Perfect Mom, to have everything in order so you feel more relaxed; you will have good days and bad days, and few of them will feel totally successful.
The more you allow yourself to let go, accept that your new life is chaos, know there's nothing you do to make it Perfect, the better you will feel. Embrace it, because basically, you have no other choice!
I rarely watch video links, but when my favorite writer emails one to me, I open it. This TED Talk by bestselling author Sarah Kay knocked the wind out of me. It left me in tears, and inspired to teach my kids life's most valuable lessons, by showing them that living fearlessly and happily is more important than anything else. So mothers, fathers, anyone who is or will be a parent someday, take 3 minutes to hear this message. Your kids will benefit, and so will you.
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